I started this blog for the purpose of helping others who may be going through the same or similar a similar situation. I felt so alone when this happened to me I want to help reach others so they know that they are not alone. I hope that it can help you!
On December 8, 2015 I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube and therefore my pregnancy. I am still grieving and am very upset, but I wanted to share with you my experience and where I am now in my grieving process to help others who may be dealing with the same kind of situation. A week before Thanksgiving I started to feel sick, tired, and just generally not myself. I chalked it up to catching some kind of sickness. My husband, Bobby and I had been trying to conceive but it was to soon to take a pregnancy test. On the Wednesday, November 25th, the day before Thanksgiving I felt the worst I had felt so far. I had bad cramping, and I had vaginal bleeding but was still hopeful that it was simply implantation bleeding and was perfectly normal.
I told my mom and my husband that I wasn’t feeling well but was fine. Early in the morning on Thursday November 26th, after describing my symptoms to my mom she suggested taking a pregnancy test. I did and it was positive! I was thrilled! I told my husband that I needed to get whip cream from the store and ran to Walmart, where I bought a onesie. I got ready for Thanksgiving and before I changed out of my pajamas I told my husband that I had gotten a new outfit that I wanted to show him. I walked out holding the onesie and the pregnancy test! He couldn’t believe it! All he kept saying was “I’m going to be a dad!” He was so proud! In that moment we were thrilled, we were everything we had wanted to be, parents. We were on cloud nine! We got ready and went to my parents to give them the good news. They were thrilled, my mom cried and my dad had a smile from ear to ear. We didn’t want to tell anyone until Christmas Eve and then we wanted to surprise my whole family with our exciting news. Our plan was to give my grandparents a big box with blue and pink balloons in it and give the news that way. We were planning and plotting how to do it.
I scheduled our first doctors apportionment and we couldn’t wait.
At the doctors office I was given a trans vaginal ultrasound and the doctor said “You are pregnant, but not with a baby.” That didn’t make any sense to me, I wasn’t pregnant with a kitty so…..?
He then told us we would have a miscarriage and it was probably best to take a shot to start that possess. I didn’t like that and we decided to let nature take it’s course if that was the case. God knew best and if it was meant to be He would let it be. So we left and we grieved over the loss.
I talked to my mom that next morning and she said that I should see a different doctor, so I scheduled a second appointment with a different doctor in town. She ran some blood work and told us that my Hg C levels and wanted us to test again to see if it went up. She tested me again two days later and my Hg C did rise but not as much as she wanted it to. She also discovered that I had a low progesterone level and prescribed me a medication. She wanted to test me again in a week, but her gut feeling was that I had a blighted ovum. Meaning, things came together but they could not progress.
By this time we feel like we have been on an emotional roller coaster. We got great news, then bad news, the good news, then bad news, and it was about to become worse news.
Two days later I was really having bad cramping and vaginal bleeding, I went to bed that night and I was just not able to sleep. I tossed and turned trying to make my cramping stop. At 4 AM I couldn’t take it anymore, Bobby was at work and so I called my mom. She thought that it was best we go to the emergency room.
Once we got checked in, the did an ultrasound on me which quickly told us that I was not doing well. The doctor looked at it and pretty quickly decided that surgery was needed ASAP. The doctor told me he was going to try and save my fallopian tube if he could. He kept telling us “it is a lot easier to tell people who have kids at home this news.”
He told us my chances of having another ectopic pregnancy was about 20% higher than the average person and gave me the ins and outs of the procedure I was about to have. I didn’t hear much of it because I was just so devastated.
When I came out of surgery I was told that my left fallopian tube was removed there was nothing that they could do to save it. The pictures told the same story with my left fallopian nearly triple the size of my right. The doctor said that fact that I was able to walk and that it hadn’t burst was amazing.
We are now in the recovery phase. My surgery was almost two weeks ago now and I am still getting better and grieving.
This chart a friend shared with me is the most accurate as to what my grieving looked like and is still looking like.
So this is the overview of my story. I will continue to post about my grieving process and what I felt.
A few things that have really helped me up to this point is…
Knowing that our baby is in heaven with God and that the entire time the were on this earth they were loved so much. They lived a life here full of love. They never have known hurt of pain and now they are looking down on us.
This great blog post from Natasha Metzler.
This beautiful quote.
“Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn’t get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?”
And this saying.
“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.”
I want to help anyone who is going through this and let them know that they are not alone.
Please know I am praying for you!